10 Tips for Referring a Friend

Referring a friend or loved one to mental health resources may feel intimidating to some, particularly if the friend you are concerned about seems closed off to the idea of engaging in support services.

When a friend is experiencing distress, but is unwilling to engage in care, this can lead you to possibly feel helpless or even frustrated. When navigating a dynamic like this, please keep these 10 tips and considerations in mind:

  1. Approach your friend in a kind and warm manner. Express your concern directly about noticeable and specific behaviors they have exhibited. Do not share your assumptions or hunches.
  2. Don’t use clinical words (i.e., “you seem depressed/anxious”), but focus on your friend’s particular behavior and what you have directly observed.
  3. Provide space for your friend to respond to your concerns and listen to them intently and without judgment.
  4. Ask for your friend’s thoughts about engaging in mental health services or other supportive resources and whether they think it would be currently helpful for them.
  5. Remember that not everyone needs mental health treatment. Your friend may simply need your compassionate presence and/or other non-clinical forms of support.
  6. Keep in mind that even if you believe your friend’s distress is serious or urgent, they may not think so. Your friend is the expert of their experience, not you. One exception to this is if your friend is expressing imminent thoughts of killing themself or someone else, which does require immediate action.
  7. If a friend seems unclear about getting help, you can inquire gently about their concern or reticence, but resist the urge to convince or strong arm them. It won’t work.
  8. Remember that your role is not to be a therapist, but to be a good friend, accurate observer, and referrer.
  9. It’s OK for you to have boundaries with your distressed friend and prioritize your own well-being as well. Having appropriate boundaries with your friend ultimately encourages them to receive the appropriate type and level of support rather than continuously come to you.
  10. Having these types of conversations requires closeness and courage and you can be proud of yourself for choosing to share your concern with your friend.